He Just Disappeared: When Ministers Go Missing.
He disappeared. He just disappeared.
For several months he and I had been walking together in a pastoral coaching relationship.
Pastoral coaching is based and built on relationship and trust: when these two intangibles are present and active, tangible results are present and active – anything is possible. But when these two are not present and active, nothing is possible – close up shop, shutter the windows and lock the door, this coaching “relationship” is going nowhere.
But this young man and I had a close relationship, one stretching back years to the days when I had served as campus pastor at the Bible College he attended. In the classroom, in chapel, in office conversations, and in discipleship, we had built a very strong relationship
After he graduated Bible College he accepted a position in local church pastoral ministry. About the same time, I had launched a new pastoral coaching ministry, one focused exclusively on Millennial ministers, helping them “build for a lifetime of healthy and effective ministry.”
When this young man was a student, I had walked with him and helped train him for ministry, it was only natural that I should walk with him and help him “survive and thrive” now that he was in ministry.
And for a time, I did just that with him. Every other week, right on time, he had called to keep his coaching appointment. And from time to time, between his scheduled bi-weekly appointments, he would text or call with a request for a special appointment, a request I was only too happy to accommodate.
But then he began to miss from time to time. Apologies were made and accepted, but missing became more and more frequent.
Until he then disappeared. He just disappeared.
SO WHY?
Every pastoral coach has his “M.I.A’s,” those individuals who “just disappear.” And every coach asks herself what she could have done differently to better serve the one who drops off of the radar. The answers are personal to each coach and individual to each relationship. Each of us wrestles with these answers and uses them to grow and become a better coach, pastor and friend to those whom we serve.
But, as is true in any relationship, the “fault” does not completely fall on one person. And this is true in a pastoral coaching relationship just as it is true in any pastoral relationship: people leave churches for many reasons – not all of them the “fault” of their pastor.
So why do they disappear? Why do they just disappear? Why do some quality ministers stop walking with pastoral coaches?
Let me suggest THREE possible reasons:
- Poor pastoral coaching.
No doubt about it: sometimes, coaches simply don’t deliver.
Some people, though they have the course work and certification, simply are not quality pastoral coaches; what they possess in papers, they lack in personal character, empathy, or gifting.
And some people, though they are quality people, empathetic and gifted, simply let down those whom they coach. The reasons are many – lack of prayer and prep, lack of concentration and effort, or even personal issues.
Poor pastoral coaching. Been there. Done that. No doubt about it.
- The wrong pastoral coach.
Ninety percent of the success equation in pastoral coaching is relationship, based on mutual trust.
Coaching is not a techniques ministry, it is a relational ministry. When the relationship isn’t there, the coaching isn’t going to be there. It’s no one’s fault and no one is to blame: we connect well and deeply with some people, and with some, we just don’t. No problem.
But when a coach and client don’t connect, the individual seeking coaching should then seek a coach with whom he or she does “click.” Just because you have had a bad experience with a pastoral coach, don’t walk away from pastoral coaching. You need it. You need it.
At least three facts demonstrate this reality:
Fact #1: God built you and me to walk with a coach-mentor.
“God has written the mentor concept into human nature and that is why the concept is written into the Bible.” Lynn Anderson
Fact #2: Ministry is probably the vocation best suited for walking in a coaching relationship.
“Of all vocations, surely the gospel ministry is the one whose paradigm is most radically formed by the dynamics of godly mentorship.” Stephen Baldwin
Fact #3: When ministers don’t walk in healthy coaching relationships, they will pay a price.
Now or later, they will pay the price: they will quit the ministry completely, or they will shut down even while remaining in “ministry.”
Study after study documents the carnage among ministers who imagine themselves to be the exceptions to the rule. Story after story records the depression, the burnout, the broken families, and loss of self that results from isolation.
- A misunderstanding about what pastoral coaching is and does.
Pastoral coaching is not counseling.
Counseling is therapy designed to overcome painful influences and issues, primarily in the past, but also current, so that health might be restored and growth again be normal.
But pastoral coaching is not therapy. Neither is it focused on pain. As Dr. Gary Collins writes,
“Coaching is one sharing another person’s life, using his or her own life experience as a way of understanding the present and advancing into the future.”
If they are honest, some who walk with a pastoral coach must admit they are more prone to keep their coaching appointment when there is a problem than when things are going well. They look to their coach primarily for “remedial” work – not so much to building for today and the future as to repairing past and the present.
The proof is in:
– the topics of their coaching conversation.
– the growth that does not take place, the perpetual spinning of wheels that does.
Repairing the past is important, but for this we have pastoral counselors. Building for the future is equally important, and for this we have pastoral coaches. Mix up the two and we remain mixed up in our past, present and future.
Pastoral coaching is not coffee shop conversation.
Pastoral coaches are not ministry baristas.
Some who have come my way for coaching seem to want nothing more than Starbucks on the phone – hang out, sip a latté, and “go zen.”
But pastoral coaching is not a flavorful concoction, roasted and served according to taste, just right for sipping. It is meat and vegetables. It is cutting and chewing. It is solid and healthy.
Because this is true, it is the person being coached – not the coach – who sets the agenda of the coaching relationship and journey. If the coach is serving steak and vegetables, but the one being coached isn’t hungry for these, insisting instead of a “Tall, skinny, white chocolate mocha frappuccino with extra whipped cream, double sleeve, “coaching experience,” no one is going to be satisfied with the meal, and more important, nothing healthy or lasting will be built.
Pastoral coaching builds: to build for a lifetime of healthy and effective ministry. But coaching will go no deeper, and so, no higher, than the one being coached is wiling to go.
Pastoral coaching is not church growth consulting.
Many look at a pastoral coach as a church growth specialist, one who can give them analysis and advice on how to grow their church or ministry. For these, the coach is someone with whom they can discuss their ministry and receive recommendations on how to improve and grow it.
But a pastoral coach is not a ministry specialist, analyst, or diagnostician. He or she is a “resonator” with whom the minister can learn to think for himself, and – this is really the key not so much think about the ministry as about the minister him or herself.
Pastoral coaching is not leadership training.
This misconception, obviously, is closely related to the previous one. But it is different. Pastoral coaching is not about leadership as much as it is about the leader. It is not about pastoring as much as it is about the pastor.
The dozens of leadership books on my shelves overwhelmingly focus on method rather than the man. This is not to say that they are without value. To the contrary, they have tremendous value. Leaders can learn a lot about the hows of leadership and they should learn all they can about effective leadership methods.
This simply is not what pastoral coaching is or does. We leave the leadership training to those who know this vital area and know how to teach it.
Pastoral coaches walk with the leaders as they lead. We walk with pastors as they pastor. We share their personal and ministry journeys from the inside out. We help them process it all. And, hopefully, we help them grow themselves, so that they can grow those whom they lead.
Pastoral coaching is not a magic formula.
Some come to coaching imagining that there is some sort of “magic” in conversation. They believe that if we talk about ministry, abracadabra, magic will follow and they will be a “success.” No work, no processing, no dealing with “me.” If we focus on the machinery of ministry rather than the machinery of the minister, “success” in ministry is just around the corner.
These individuals usually have a difficult time opening up to a coach, going deep in examining themselves, or being honest and transparent about their weaknesses, fears, and (gasp!) failures. They tend to avoid probing questions and personal challenge.
They prefer talking about the books they are reading, the preachers they are tracking with, the meetings they are attending, to talking about the dark thoughts they are processing, the fearful feelings they are battling, the temptations they face, and the sins they have entertained.
So who is most prone to “disappear” from pastoral coaching?
- The young minister who doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. Not yet. And possibly never will.
(FACT: 5 of 10 quit the ministry within the first five years.).
- The lone ranger minister who imagines himself to be the exception to the biblical teaching of a shared journey in life and in ministry.
(FACT: Isolation is the #1 killer of ministers.)
- The minister whose currency is numbers – “How many people did you have Sunday;” “How many buildings have you built;” “How many videos and songs have you put out;” “How many people are you reaching with your podcasts, blogs, and music?” “How many small groups do you have?”
(FACT: 57% of ministers say they would leave if they had a better place to go [including secular])
- The minister who imagines ministry is more doing than being, the one who doesn’t understand that the doing of ministry flows from the being of the minister and his relationship with God (according to the New Testament)
(FACT: 80% of ministers feel unqualified to DO what their role demands.)
- The minister who is not ready for honesty and transparency, to let someone ask him about his thoughts, attitudes, words and actions.
(FACT: 1 of 2 ministers have no one from whom they can receive support and accountability.)
- The minister who isn’t ready to face his temptations or to James 5.16 confess his sins. Confession doesn’t lead to repentance doesn’t lead to life.
(FACT: 100% of ministers have a friend from Bible College or seminary who left the ministry due to a moral issue or personal burnout.)
- The ministers who isn’t willing to admit that he gets discouraged, and so, needs encouragement, depressed, and so, needs lifting, lonely, and so, needs a friend.
(FACT: “After 18 years of researching pastoral trends, and many of us being pastors, we have found that pastors are in a dangerous occupation.” Dr. Richard J. Krejcir)
Who is most likely to go missing from pastoral coaching? In general, the one who has remained in the ministry, but has taken one of two actions, one defensive and one offensive:
Defensive: she is wounded, and so has given up even as she remains in ministry. There is no hope
for change. She is simply going through the motions, the only goal being to survive.
Offensive: he has ceased to be a seeker of Jesus; yes, he is in ministry for Jesus, but there is no
real, vital and vibrant relationship with Jesus – he is a caricature, a professional Christian.
A FINAL THOUGHT
Don’t disappear from walking with a pastoral coach. Don’t just disappear from the shared journey.
I promise you the issues and challenges of ministry will not disappear. Neither will the opportunities for personal growth and development as you encounter those issues and challenges. As you meet them, wouldn’t it be great to have a wise guide to walk with you as you process these things? Wouldn’t it be great to have someone you can trust to share your journey?
One of my favorite authors, Paul David Tripp, said it so well in his book, Dangerous Calling. Rather than attempt to improve on the idea, we’ll just let him say it for himself:
“Pastor, it is plain and simple: you and I need to be pastored. One of the scandals of hordes of churches is that no one is pastoring their pastor. No one is helping him see what he is not seeing. No one is helping him examine his thoughts, desires, words, and behaviors. No one is regularly calling him to confession. No one is delineating where repentance is appropriate. No one is reaching into his discouragement with the truths of the presence, promises and provision of his Savior. No one is confronting his idolatry and pride. No one is alerting him to places of temptation and danger in his life.”
So don’t disappear. Don’t be one of those who disappear today from walking with a pastoral coach, so that tomorrow you will not be one of those who disappear from the ministry, either by quitting altogether or by shutting down even as you stay in.
Journey Pastoral Coaching provides pastoral coaching to Millennial ministers.
Saddled with large student debt, just beginning to set up homes and start families, and serving in low paying first and second positions, Millennials are those who most desire but can least afford to pay for pastoral coaching.
So we offer it to them at no cost.
We are able to do so through the faithful and generous gifts of friends who want to see young leaders not only enter the ministry, but remain in the ministry. If you or your church would like to help Millennial ministers in 21 US states and 5 nations build strong for a lifetime in ministry, please click here to contact us by email or click on the link to support Journey through PayPal.
Thank you.
