The Unwritten Rules of Living in France… And What They Can Teach a Young Minister
Before our many years in the French-speaking region of Belgium, my wife, two daughters, and I were privileged to serve as missionaries in France for two years. By design, our first year was invested in learning French language and culture and making relationships.
At the time, a new theory had sprung up among some that language and culture learning were unnecessary training for missionaries. “Machine translators remove the need for language learning,” some said. “And, until then, you can always find human translators.”
No, not if you are serious about building relationships and pastoring people. To make friends, communicate the gospel, and build community, we had to not just learn French vocabulary but, as much as possible, take on a French mindset (i.e., learn culture). This is achievable only by living among and learning from French people. It just makes sense: if you live in a French-speaking nation, you need to speak the language of the people, understanding, and assimilating into their culture. This doesn’t happen through books, apps, or online courses, but by . . . . immersion.
Where many new missionaries choose to live in English-speaking conclaves in France as they learn French, we instead chose immersion: moving alone to an area of France where no one spoke English, forcing us out of the shallow “I’ll just get a little wet” zone of the pool into the deep end. It is worth noting we could not speak, write, or read French when we arrived, leading to many wonderful “cultural experiences,” a few of which I share below.
With only an English-French dictionary, we spent our early weeks visiting utility company offices, insurance agencies, a mechanic, several banks, government offices, the doctor, the dentist, enrolling our daughters in two different schools, and registering them for a month-long summer camp so my wife and I could begin language school. All during one of the hottest summers in French history (No, we had no air-conditioning). Everything considered, our first summer in France was a fun one. And language school had yet to start.
The Unwritten Rules of Living in France
One month later, language school began – long, packed-to-the max days trying to take in the grammar, vocabulary, tenses, rules, pronunciations, etc. of this complex and beautiful language. All while raising two little girls whose education in French consisted of attending local public schools where they learned their French by picking it up from their teachers and new “amis.” They sat in the same classes, read the same books, completed the same assignments, and took the same tests as their classmates. No cutting corners or easing up : they were expected to meet the same rigorous standards as all French children. If you had been a French fly (that would be “mouche”) on our wall, you would have seen our family hard at work morning, noon, and night, attending classes and doing homework six days a week. At the same time, we still had to do the day-to-day business of life: banking, paying bills, shopping, doctors, etc – all pre-internet.
As we gave ourselves to learning French and trying to establish some sort of home life amid these stresses, we quickly realized there was another subject we would need to learn. We called them “The Unwritten Rules of Living in France,” the rules of life that no one talks about because everyone knows them – everyone born and raised in France, that is. But not “des étrangers.”
Tales from the Front Lines of Culture (and Laughter)
Example #1. In our effort to learn, love, and live in France, we encouraged our daughters, ages 7 and 4, to invite their friends to play as often as possible at our home. One day, just after lunch – and in my very broken French – I called the home of one of our younger daughter’s friends to invite her to our home. The mother thanked me for the invitation but gently let me know the two hours between noon and two o’clock were set aside as lunch and rest hours for families; I would need to call back after two o’clock. Unwritten rules of life.
Example #2. Entering the waiting room at the veterinarian’s office, I noticed a woman seated and waiting for her appointment. She had a quizzical look on her face as I smiled and took a chair. Imagine my surprise when everyone who entered the room after me formally greeted each person in the waiting room, including me, even shaking hands with a lightly-held once-up, once-down movement of the hands. This happened not just this once but every time we visited an office. Unwritten rules of life.
How about a final and fun faux pas? First, a little background.
As you probably know, many French say hello and goodbye with a “brush-kiss” on the cheek. For Christians, it is in keeping with Paul’s instruction to “greet one another with a holy kiss” (Rom. 16:16; 1 Cor. 16:20; 2 Cor. 13:12; 1 Thess. 5:26).
However, this kiss has its own unwritten rule. I call it the “1-2-3-4 Rule.” This rule says when friends meet, they can kiss between one and four times, the number of kisses determined by the relationship and occasion. A non-Christian acquaintance merits not a kiss, but a handshake. If a friendship develops, a one-kiss-on-the-right-cheek greeting and parting may or may not come next. In time, your friendship may merit two kisses, first the right-cheek, followed by the left-cheek.
However, among believers, meeting for the first time, a one-kiss-on-the-right-cheek greeting is usually appropriate, followed very quickly by a two kiss greeting and parting. Three kisses – right, left, right – often becomes the norm among believers who share worship and discipleship.
Four kisses are reserved for the most significant experiences – congratulations at weddings, birthdays, etc., or difficult goodbyes are examples. Some of these occasions in my life remain some of my most treasured and most painful.
As a pastor or visiting preacher, I was the beneficiary of the ”Everyone-Kisses-the-Preacher Corollary” to the “1, 2, 3, 4 Rule.” In churches I knew well or was ministering in for the first time, everyone in the building lined up to kiss me two or three times. I must admit that, at first, it was uncomfortable to this strong handshake American. But over time, it became very precious to me as I felt the affection of God’s people – friends – and the strong sense that we were truly greeting one another “in the Lord.”
With this background in mind, let me share a a fun “greet one another with a holy kiss” faux pas. One Saturday, our family went to the fair when it visited our town. More than a carnival of rides and games, this was a household fair, overflowing with booths, kiosks, rows of displays, cooking demonstrations, and even presentations on household appliances and tools. As we made our way through the displays, we saw a young woman from our church. We smiled at seeing each other and turned to give the appropriate greeting (Remember the 1-2-3-4 Rule). As we didn’t know this young lady well, I leaned in to kiss her once. However, she either thought we merited Kiss Level Two OR she was operating by the “Everyone-Kisses-The-Preacher-At-Least-Two-Times Rule) because after we had exchanged one kiss on the right cheek, I leaned back on my heels, mission accomplished. But as I did so, she began moving in to kiss my left cheek. Seeing this, I rocked forward to meet her kiss. However, after she saw I had rocked back after our first kiss, she quickly pulled away, just as I was now leaning in to exchange the second kiss. I saw she was pulling away, so I pulled away again just as she was leaning in to kiss me. Unwritten rules of life.
By the way, we all laughed about it and did eventually “kiss and make up,” followed by her telling us about the “1-2-3-4 Rule” and giving us a brief tutorial in the fine art of greeting each other with a holy kiss. It also led to interesting conversations: “Hmm. I thought I was at least a two-kiss friend with that person, not just a one. I wonder what I did?” Unwritten rules of life.
Voila Le Point
Here’s the real point. In each of these cases, and many more and varied first-time experiences, my wife and I had wise and gracious guides who helped us learn and grow. They did not crush us for what we did not know, but instead corrected, instructed, trained, and encouraged us in what we were learning. So many people, so many times – at church, our daughters’ schools, the families in our neighborhoods were available to us and even reached out to help us. How we thank God for our French friends in Tours! We would not have survived, much less thrived, without them.
You might ask why no one instructed us in these “Unwritten Rules.” The answer is obvious: every culture has far too many and varying unwritten rules ever to be reduced to a series of pre-emptive lessons. They can only be learned by venturing out into the wonderful world of that culture and doing life with people.
The Unwritten Rules of Ministry
Just so is life in vocational ministry. Ministry life has far too many and varying unwritten rules to be reduced to a Bible College or seminary class: they can only be learned as the young minister moves out into ministry and, more than preaching and CEOing the church organization, does life with people.
And just as a mentor makes the difference in the lives of new arrivals in France as they learn the unwritten rules of French culture, a mentor makes the difference in the lives of young ministers as they learn the unwritten rules of ministry and in the lives of all ministers as they move from one ministry to another.
Like the friends who did so much to help us during our early days in Tours, France, here are just a few of the ways ministry mentors help us navigate the unwritten rules of ministry . . .
The mentor:
1. Is an anchor of stability in a sea of change. They give us the confidence to say, “I don’t know what to expect of my new ministry world, but I know my mentor will be there to guide me to Jesus, support me, and help me understand it all.”
2. Instructs, not only helping the minister learn from and understand new experiences but then place them where they belong in the large and often complicated puzzle of ministry life.
3. Helps the minister stay on mission. When we think of quitting, they remind us, “Yes, this is difficult, but what about your call? What about your commitment to and preparation for this mission? What about the people whom God has called you to reach and serve?”
4. Calls the minister to focus on the Audience of One. When our motivations and priorities become muddled, they ask, “What about your worship? What about the Savior ‘Who, for the joy set before Him, endured the Cross, despising the shame?’ (Hebrews 12.2).
5. Exhorts, reminding the minister of the sovereign goodness of the One who has called them: “It is God who is working His good pleasure and goodness in you and through you; He will be faithful.”
6. Encourages, helping the minister know their strengths and weaknesses: the God-given abilities they can maximize and make best use of in ministry, as well as the God-given limitations to work on – both by the grace of God.
7. Comforts the minister, acknowledging the heavy load and challenges, the loneliness, silence, and pain. The mentor is actively present with the young minister, inviting and depending on the ministry of the Holy Spirit.
8. Advises, sharing wisdom for walking in this new ministry or position, wisdom for walking with superiors, peers, subordinates, or parishioners.
9. Inspires hope, breathing in a blend of all the above, bathed in praying together, reminding the minister God has formed them for this challenge, called them to it, and will be faithful to supply and support as the minister rises up to meet it.
10. Serves as the heart, feet, and hands of the Great Good Shepherd as He does His Psalm 23 work in the young minister’s life, even in a new ministry or even country. Here’s what it looks like:
The mentor . . .
- points the minister to the Lord as our shepherd; we shall not lack.
- guides the minister to rest in green pastures and the refreshing of God’s still waters.
- walks the minister to God’s restoration of the soul.
- leads the minister to paths of righteousness for God’s name’s sake.
- reminds the minster that even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we need fear no evil, for our Great Good Shepherd is with us; His rod of correction and protection, His staff of direction our comfort.
- directs the minister to a table prepared by the Great Good Shepherd in the presence of our enemies;
- calls the minister back again and again to be anointed with God’s oil.
- shows the minister that their cup overflows.
- opens the bigger picture to the minister, telling them there is more than this ministry or moment: surely the Great Good Shepherd’s goodness and mercy shall follow the minister all the days of their life, and they shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Spoken rule of life.
A FINAL THOUGHT
Like our family’s experience moving into France, life in ministry has its unwritten rules: no one tells you; you have to figure them out as you go. You do so by diving in to your new life, observing, making mistakes, asking questions, and walking with trusted guides.
To this day, our family thanks God for the many guides He gave us in France. The people of Tours went out of their way to help and encourage us in every way possible. They could not possibly have been more gracious. Their mentorship in all-things-French helped us come to love the country, its people, and language.
Mentors perform the same task in the lives of ministers – guiding, helping, and encouraging in every way possible. They help us tap into the fathomless grace of God. And more, their mentorship in all-things-godly help us come to love God, His people, and His language.
As we wrap up, a thought on mentors and mentorees, written in the heavenly language of French:
« L’apprentissage le plus efficace, plus que toutes les autres formes combinées, est de traverser les difficultés avec le soutien et l’évaluation d’un mentor. » – Le Centre pour le leadership créatif
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